Disclaimer: So I must start out by saying that this is not like me at all. I'm not the type to publicly air out my craziness. For the reason of personal accountability I've decided to write my thoughts out in hope of actually accomplishing something, maybe even changing. I promise that this will not make any since and be quite pathetic. So if you feel so inclined, just skip over this post. Cheers!
Yesterday, I found myself coming home from church with a bit on my mind. This happens often and I try to internalize it and make note, savor it, in hope that I might apply it. Then Monday comes, along with laundry, dishes, errands and three children's needs and it is gone just as quickly as it came. For some reason though, today, I've decided to make the attempt to change some things. This is a big step for me because it is much easier to keep on the path I'm already on, maybe it's the fall air or the insanity I feel creeping up but an attempt I shall make.
For some time I've struggling with the fact that life controls me instead of me controlling my life. I'm a slave to my dirty house and the frustration of that is often taken out on my children. I'm also quite lazy when it comes down to it and such a procrastinator. Okay, the lazy part is more anal than anything. I get overwhelmed because I see what needs to be done and unless I can do it all and the right way, without being interrupted, then I just give up and wait for a better opportunity.
The other night Kevin and I had a lovely chat about anything and everything. I vented my frustrations about myself and in the end felt much better. I've realized that I hold a lot of things in and that for me I need to let them out in order to truly deal with them. That as lead me here today. (I'm sure a psychiatrist would do the job but not in my budget, so this will have to do)
I've realized that I'm not the same person I was ten years ago. Which is a good thing and yet a bad thing for me. I've grown in so many ways and for that I'm grateful. The thing that makes me sad are some of my qualities that I've allowed to take a back seat and my goal is to find them again because I believe they will help be a better person.
My first area of work is going to be on the things 'I should do'. My plan is to eventually work out some of my weaknesses but I've come to the conclusion that I need to make the things that I should be doing already a priority for improvement. I'm an excuse kind of a girl and I have plenty of them when it comes to the things that I should be doing. I could go on and on but the important ones to me are listed below.
I Should:
Read my scriptures and pray daily
Listen to the promptings of the Spirit
Not yell at my children, play with them more
Exercise regularly
Go to bed early and get up early
My goal here is to become a more righteous person. Saying this is silly in my mind but it is true. One thing I realized yesterday at church is that I'm not where I want or need to be in order to make it in the end. I've been quite complacent with my lack of effort at life and it needs to change. I struggle because I know that tomorrow I'll want to toss all this ranting out the window but I need to make this happen in my life. If putting it out there publicly makes me more personally accountable for my actions then it is a step I'm willing to take. Again, I apologize for the craziness, it's always been here I'm just forcing myself to deal with it.
11 comments:
Well, I for one will begin interrogating you mercilessly to see how you're doing on all these things, so you can be held accountable. Just kidding.
Really, though, I think airing this kind of stuff in public is really hard, and I admire your bravery in doing so. Nobody enjoys having a spotlight glaring down on all one's faults, so you get a lot of credit for doing it yourself and making a plan of action to change the things in your life you don't like. That's what makes life beautiful and amazing: the ability to change.
And, I know you are capable of handling anything that comes your way. This life business with kids, a husband, a house, all that...is pretty tricky. You'll find the solutions you need, too, because you're ready and willing to "deal with it" and make that change.
I think we all evaluate our lives ever so often and realize how much we fall short. I remember a talk not to long ago in some meeting that said we should not be satisfied with being mediocre. We should do better than that. I wrote out goals for me two weeks ago. I think every Sunday I wish I could be better. In some way I understand how you feel with kids and being frustrated. I hope your goals help you and what helps me some is that I started playing volleyball and just getting out once a week makes me feel better and rejuvenated. One of my biggest problems is being selfish and on that note Aubree wants to play Mr. Potato Head. Love ya!
That was good to read because I KNOW how you feel! It's nice to know that I'm not alone in my frustrations and self-fault-finding. Life's hard. You are doing a good job! I think it's hard for us Mom's who sit home all day with whiney,sassy,messy...kids that don't appreciate us. I know for me just the daily tasks that never end leave me feeling frustrated and overwhelmed! I feel 'paralyzed' and not able to do the simple things I need to. Call me! Let's go do something...kid-less!!
Katie,
You are not crazy, even though the kids make you feel that way! You will find that as you read your scriptures daily, your days will will just go better. I learned that lesson the hard way......not doing it and having lots of overwhelming, hard days, not so much when my kids were little, but when they were teen-agers....good that you are starting now, you'll be ahead of the game in 10 years!! Love you Aunt Lyndi
Amen! I really needed to hear this today. IT seems like when you think life is going to settle down where you can think for a minute about yourself, something else big happens that gets you all distracted. I guess we just have to MAKE the important things happen! Best wishes on your goals. I will do the same!
I feel the same as you do...minus the "not yell at my children, play with them more"
Doesn't it feel good to get all that off your chest. It sure worked for me a few weeks ago...I think it may have been all of the pregnancy hormones. I hope it happens again soon, I had Ryan 2 hours after a magor melt-down...Any day now!
Thanks a lot Katie. I blame you for the earfull that I got last night from Anna....
Like Brent, I now add my "just kidding." Before I got my ear full from Anna, we had been talking on our date--yes folks, that's right, talking instead of actually going somewhere and doing something. I shared some of those same things with her and began reflecting on the changes that I have gone through or continue to make. I've found that in some cases, I replace one goal or activity for another, instead of supplementing/complementing one with another. Right now, fitness has replaced several other things, but the rewards and benefits have been worth some of the sacrifice.
This morning in Stake Priesthood Meeting, Pres. Clegg quoted a comment made by Pres. Monson about how we shouldn't ask the Lord to give us tasks according to our ability but rather to raise our ability to meet the task. With brilliant children like yours, perhaps that's a direction in prayer you might want to explore?
Michael
Hey Katie Bear,
So I found it really interesting that you wrote that. First, thanks for giving me advice when I was out there. I really respect you and kevin and it really helped. Second, the reason why I found it interesting is because I had a breakdown yesterday. I realized that I also wasn't the person I used to be. I hate how I get so frustrated with my kids. I would rather put Paysen in front of the T.V. than have to run around after her keeping her from eating lotion or running with scissors. I feel like the way I've been acting has forced the spirit away making it impossible for me to hear it because it's not there. I'm waiting for something here in Alabama, but I don't know what. Sometimes I think that being a mom and wife isn't as fulfilling as I want out of life. Caleb comes home from work tired and I just want a break from my life so I leave and go work out. But then I never see Caleb. He feels like I nag when I get home because I have been cleaning all day and he throws his shoes in the middle of the floor. But I just need to relax. I don't want to be the stereotype of an old maid hag. Then I listened to the relief society general conference meeting on Saturday. And I realized that I'm nowhere near where I need to be spiritually either. I didn't have the advantage of studying the scriptures every day all day long like most missionaries do, and I never paid attention in seminary. They spoke about how we need to be knowledgeable enough to defend the gospel at any time. I can't do that. I have a hard time finding m scriptures most of the time. So I felt sorry for myself about basically sucking at all aspects of my life and then I wrote these goals for myself.
I want to be able to relax and spend time with Caleb when he gets home. So I'm considering my cleaning and cooking and errand running responsibilities a job. At 5:00, when Caleb gets home, I get off work to. I just need to have dinner and cleaning done by then. I obviously still have to take care of my kids, but I'm using that time to play with them and bathe them and put them in bed and Caleb can help with those things. It has really helped me feel like I get time off too.
I have to really study my scriptures. I can't read them because I have too many things going on I can't ever concentrate. I need to know them as well or better than my husband.
I need to treat Caleb like we are engaged again. I always wrote him notes and made him things and really showed him I love him. It feels like I just have a messy roommate if I don't do those things.
The last thing I want to be better on is opening my mouth about the gospel. I have no problem opening my mouth to share my opinion, why can't I do it about the gospel? I'm afraid that I'll force them even farther away and they'll want to be put on the never ever ever ever come see us list or I'll bomb you. But who really reacts like that anyways.
Sorry so long, But these were my thoughts on the matter.
I love you Katie,
nik
I just read this and I have to tell you, It's like your in my head. Your goals are just like mine. Not having my husband around forces me to follow a schedules. Everyday seems the same. My mental breaks are alway after the kids go to bed and then I think about all the things I could have done but have no time for. I also realize that I have no one to talk to and despreatly miss my hubby. I too struggle with being more spiritual, not yelling at the boy's, and most of all taking care of me. It's good to know that I am not the only one with these thoughts and hopefully we can help eachother to achieve our goals. Good Luck Katie!
Katie that takes a little bit of courage for anybody to admit their gaps. But you are trying to fill them with those awesome goals which is a step that many of us miss! Way to go you are doing great! I'm so blessed to be related to you (soon!) Oh and check out my blog, I made a shout out to you.
Caitlin
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